November 08, 2012
1. I have a resentment toward a person. The resentment comes and goes from time to time.
To be honest, there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about my ex. He did not treat me well, took me for granted and was incredibly abusive, among other things. He lived to argue and fight. He felt sorry for himself constantly because he did not have a more ideal childhood, e.g…..older than me, he attended school during a time when it was not socially acceptable for a boy to take another boy to a school dance or prom. Consequently, he lived with rage for what he missed out on. Also, he was struggled with a breathing disorder due to years of smoking. He was a liar and he drank alcohol every day.
a. My part was that I stayed so long. I was so desperate to be loved by someone because I had not truly loved myself enough. In fact, I was starving for the affection he gave me at the beginning of our relationship. Similar to my mother, his love was conditional, given only if I smiled and tolerated his behavior and temper tantrums.
I made excuse after excuse for his behavior, feeling sorry for him due to his rage and breathing problem that he suffered through from choices he made. I let him take out all of his aggression on me because I could handle it, I thought. My step-father was equally, if not more abusive.
I hoped and prayed that with time he would change and be a better person……he never changed. I suppose that my part was being selfish…..in my expectation and hope for him to change for me.
Although I walked away from the relationship, I left with “scars” because I loved him more than I loved myself.
God, divorce me from low self-esteem, from feeling pity for other people, and from loving others more than I love myself. Divorce me from resentment toward myself for allowing him to treat me the way I let him treat me. Divorce me from resentment toward my ex for treating me less than a child of God should be treated. God, aid me to display the appropriate amount of empathy. Help to love myself.
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