January 08, 2013
A couple of days ago I saw a former friend, who happens to be an alcoholic as well. I suppose I should say that I was at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous ("AA") when I saw her so it will not otherwise seem so synchronistic.
With that said, at one time we were really good friends, inside and outside of the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. During good times we attended AA meetings together, discussed the AA program, and even did twelve step work together.
However, she also had a side that I did not prefer. For instance, she loved to gossip about everyone in the rooms of AA, no matter if the person was her friend or not. And, because she grew up in Los Angeles, she knew everyone, so she name-dropped a lot.
Also, no matter what occurred between her and another person, it was always the other person's fault. She always talked about how awful this person was or that person was. Meanwhile, that particular person was her best-friend a month ago, sometimes even her sponsor.
The worst part was that no matter what you gave her, it was never enough; she always wanted more.
In the end, I felt like she brought out the bad side of my personality, as I either I would walk away with a bad behavior characteristic or feeling completely drained.
My part was that I wanted my cake and I wanted to eat it too. In the case of the her gossiping, perhaps I did not talk behind the backs of others, but I sure did listen as she talked. At times, I even "fished" for gossip. In the least, I condoned her behavior.
With regard to her always blaming other people concerning relationships that went sour, I too was guilty of that. Perhaps my higher power intended for her to be a mirror for me in that regard. Shortly after walking a way from a friendship with her, I began doing a daily tenth step, and for that matter looking for my part in everything.
And talk about nothing ever being enough, all my life I have been insatiable. No matter what I was given, I wanted more. I was not pleased unless I knew it was your very best or you went through incredible hardship to get it for me, and even then, my gratitude was suspect. Recognizing that characteristic in her forced me to change.
God help me to not be so self-righteous, judgmental, narcissistic and dismissive of others. Aid me in recognizing the gift that any given person has bestowed upon me. Help me to be grateful for the newfound awareness of myself that I am left with, long after that person has left my life.
I take 100% accountability for my emotions.
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