January 07, 2013
Recently, a dear friend (and fellow of ours) celebrated a milestone in sobriety. Consequently, he went on a “mini-cake tour” in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.
As we have been friends for his entire sobriety, both inside and outside the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, he asked me to give him a cake at a meeting that I am not particularly fond of. He asked a few other people as well.
After thinking about the request, and against my own instincts, I agreed to give him a cake.
With that said, I try to be as thoughtful as I can be, so I ordered flowers, had them specially wrapped, and picked out a card.
To avoid socializing at the meeting, I arrived just as the meeting was about to begin, literally. I walked over to him, as he was standing with a crowd of at least twelve people, and I handed him his gift. He was gracious of course. What he said next is the focus of my resentment, “when they call me up, just walk up”.
“Oh!” I thought…..and nearly walked out.
In my head, I was also thinking….”I came all the way to this meeting I do not even like and you did not put my name on the list of people giving you a cake!”….”Do you have any idea how much these flowers cost?!”…….and so forth. I also thought, “you know what…..if my name is not called I am not going up. In fact, I am leaving now!”
He knows me well because right before his name was called, he walked over and stood next to me.
Sure enough, his name was called and all 13 people giving him a cake was called, with the exception of me. I silenced my ego, walked over, and participated in giving him the cake.
My part was that, (1) I am such a prima donna that I had to arrive at the very last minute to avoid talking to people, and of course, to be seen as I glide into the room! The truth is, I do not really like any of his other friends and I did not want to be a part of….., so to speak. I have always been that way, it is not personal, but generally I am not interested in being a part of.
Consequently, perhaps he thought I was not coming, so he neglected to put my name on the list. I mean, I did arrive like 2 minutes before the meeting was to start!
(2) Perhaps I had ulterior motives for buying the expensive flowers, as maybe I wanted to “out do” everyone else, and be the center of attention, and garner all of his affection. I did not just buy the followers altruistically…..I know myself! I wanted to wow everyone!
Instead, I did not get mentioned at all.
God, divorce me from ego and from wanting to be special, significant and better than everyone else. Help me to be a person among persons, for the most part at least!
I take 100% accountability for my emotions.
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