December 21, 2012
Recently I received an email from a significant person in my life. As I read through the short, but incendiary e-mail, I became incensed and angry.
For a while, I was actually having a conversation in my head regarding what I was reading. Can any alcoholic relate to this?!
Imagining the tone of the other person……everything that I would say if he was in front of me began to come to mind.
Alcoholically, I began to write exactly what I was thinking, quickly too!! I mean, I did not want one word to escape me! He needed to know how I felt!
Besides, “who is he” to write something like that and not expect for me to reply in kind.
What I did next, saved me from any post-mortems, i.e., regret!
Rather than pushing send, as I really wanted to do, I saved it to my drafts.
In fact, I received his e-mail in the early a.m. Yet, I did not return to it until the late p.m.
Needless to say, later in the p.m, I realized that my lengthy, detailed, “fire up the cannons” response was not necessary. Oh yes, I still wanted to send it, but I knew that my response was punitive, meant only to hurt the other person.
Instead, what I wrote was “Thank you for your thoughts.”
You see, I no longer have to play the victim, always in attack mode. I am not a guard dog, always on the defense!
I no longer have to respond to or engage in small-mindedness. I have no room in my life for negative banter.
My part was that I was allowing someone else to dictate my emotions not to mention my behavior. The person dangled the fish from the line, and initially, I jumped for it.
Thank God for what I am learning in Alcoholics Anonymous, as I was able to pause rather than push send button.
I am impulsive by nature. Yet, I took contrary action. It made all the difference.
God, divorce me from being impulsive and engaging in what does not serve me. Help me to be present enough to pause, always, and to respond consistent with whom I am, a thoughtful child of God.
I am learning to take the highroad!
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