December 10, 2012
It’s incredible how the passage of time reverses distortions of perception whether we are willing or not.
Things we could not quite understand at a particular time become very apparent after some time has passed.
With that said, I thought of my ex-boyfriend this morning. He was the love of my life.
Truthfully, our relationship was my first experience of a partnership with another person. He was everything that I prayed for in a mate and “more”, but that did not stop me from pointing out everything that he was not and everything he ever did wrong.
It has been nearly one year and a half since I broke up with him. With each passing day since the break-up my part becomes more blaringly obvious.
Sure, he was incredibly temperamental, arrogant, stubborn, argumentative, a heavy drinker, boisterous, neurotic, melancholy at times, unpredictable, glutonous, insatiable, selfish, too affectionate, irresponsible, childish, always late and incredibly needy, particularly for a man who was nearly two decades older than me.
Nevertheless, our relationship was filled with such passion.
If you can imagine it, we similar to couple in the song, “Love The Way You Lie”, by Eminem and Rihanna. I was Megan Fox and he was Dominic Monaghan. If you are lost on the reference, think of Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, with me as Taylor.
To make a long story short, rather than appreciate what I had, particularly the fact that God had finally answered my prayers, I was the typical addict who complained of everything.
In fact, I took every opportunity to make sure he knew not only how smart I was, but how much more smart I was than him…….no wonder he had drank so much. Also, I made sure he knew when he fell short of other successful men that I knew.
It is humbling to admit, but my part was that I was so judgmental, so impatient, so egotistical, so immature……self-righteous, incredibly entitled, precocious, stoic, Victorian, provincial, prudish, melodramatic and to be honest, more often than not, a bigger prima donna than most celebrities. Nevertheless, I loved him, even though I did not always show it.
Not only have I never had a problem knowing my worth, but I had a tendency to make sure everyone knew it as well.
In retrospect, I realize how much I not only fueled the fire, but started it.
As I look back, I recognize now that if he was not man enough for me I could have walked away a long time before I did. I could have spared both of us so much pain.
But, I stayed, and to make matters worse, I pointed out everything he did wrong and everything he was not. If that is not addictive behavior, I am not sure what is. What is even more puzzling is that I was two years sober at the time.
Today, rather than reacting right away, no matter how intense my emotion is, I pause and later reassess the situation. After time has passed I realize that I perceived something incorrect and certainly played a part as well.
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