December 04, 2012
I have had this recurring resentment concerning an ex-boyfriend of mine. One day, I think I have forgiven him and moved on. Suddenly, the resentment returns stronger than ever, occupying my thoughts with rumination of what went wrong, why it went wrong, and why he was at fault.
Generally, I consider all the time that I wasted and I think about all the stress that he caused me and the chaos he brought into my life. This man was a parasite that drained me, as he took and took without regard for how his actions impacted me.
The reality is that despite all of the above being accurate, I made the choice to be with him, perhaps even because I was equally selfish. In return for minimal affection, I put up with everything.
Other than alcoholism, love is my other addiction. Often, I so desperately want to be loved that I am willing to put up with anything (not anymore). My standards regarding his behavior dropped lower and lower until I tolerated just about anything, including physical abuse.
My part was that I was too needy, co-dependent and desperate for affection and love. He was 18 years older than me. I think I was searching for the father that I never had.
Ironically, although I was looking for emotional security, in retrospect, I now realize that I was taking care of him.
Today I understand I am not responsible for anyone else's well-being, particularly when it is at the expense of my own.
I finally get that "….you have to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else."
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