November 28, 2012
I have a friend who has been dealing with a situation with a close family member. She does not live with the family member, but she does interact with him often.
The problem occurs when she visits the family member. The set up of the situation concerns a mother and son.
Mom, is my friend and a fellow Alcoholic, who has a university-age son whom she supports with regard to school expenses and living expenses.
To make a long story short, the problem has been occurring when the recovering Alcoholic mother periodically visits her son in a house she purchased for him. During the visit she notices a lot of disarray at the son's house. The son is very disorderly and very disorganized. More than just character defects of the son, these are huge pet-peeves of the recovering Alcoholic mom.
Mom wants the son to keep a cleaner, more organized house. Even more, she is prepared to explain this to her son in a gentle, loving way. I suggested the recovering Alcoholic mom do a tenth step on the problem with her son.
Mom's part is that perhaps she is too detail-oriented and wants to control or even repair the character defect of disorderliness in her son.
Perhaps mom can better deal with the situation by keeping her side of the street clean by continuing to be a good example of organization for her son, rather than telling him what he is doing wrong. As mentioned in The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it is really about "attraction rather than promotion".
In fact, pointing out her son's character flaws may actually alienate him and make the problem worse.
Rather than take the son's personal inventory mom can further keep her side of the street clean by continuing to financially support her son as he focuses on school rather than add the additional stress of forcing him to keep a clean house while to maintaining above average school grades.
Also, mom could pay for her son to have a maid if the disorganized house bothers her that much. Actually, she could even visit less often.
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