January 18, 2013
I was speaking with a friend and fellow alcoholic/addict this morning. He is wonderful person and we otherwise have a great friendship, but he complains so much, particularly to me, about the childhood he never had.
Consequently, he carries around so much resentment and anger, and is easily frustrated.
To make a long story short, he drove down to the ocean to rest, relax and take his mind off of a recently diagnosed breathing/bronchial problem, apparently the result of prior excessive drinking and drug use.
His spiritual advisor informed him that it would be a good idea to relax more, and participate in activities that he enjoys.
With that said, he is a person who does not pay attention to details, to say the least, and is kind of an anarchist/rebellious person who either dislikes following rules or is just oblivious to them.
When he parked at the beach he did not recognize that he parked in a tow away zone and when he returned four hours later, his car was gone, towed away!
Subsequently, he "jumped through hoops" to get his car back, i.e., calling the tow company, paying the towing fee, paying the ordinance fee, etc.
He complained that that he was punished for enjoying himself, for doing something to make himself well…..he went on and on about how the state of California was a thief and he used some pretty choice words.
I chimed in: what was your part Billy?
In his own words, "well, I have always assumed my entire life that the world owed me something. I grew up on the east coast with super cerebral, highly non-nurturing, career-oriented parents, who were kind of absent and very neglectful despite the fact that they always provided for me financially, very well in fact."
"Also, I think I have attention deficit disorder because I am really hyper, restless, and do and say inappropriate things, irrespective of the feelings of others. Most of the time I do not realize it and certainly don't mean to offend or hurt anyone. Although I know this about myself, and rather than be more aware and attempt to change it, I just accept this it….before I drank to ignore it."
"In fact, I figure that as long as I am not drinking I have a free pass to do whatever I want, with in reason."
"I suppose, I could stop assuming the world owes me something, the way I grew up is the way it is and I can not change it."
"However, I can change my actions now, starting with paying better attention, like where I park. The towing could have been avoided if I had just looked at the parking signs that were conspicuously placed. "
"This chip on my shoulder is getting me no where but further stress, resentments, anger and even health problems."
"I surrender God. Please help me. Divorce me from holding grudges, unforgiveness, as well as the resulting anger, frustration and resentment. Help me to let go and to understand that everything happens for a reason. Reveal that reason to me. I am willing to see it. Amen"
"I am a recovering alcoholic, addict, and I am flawed, nevertheless I love myself just the way I am."
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