January 16, 2013
I am glad to be sober because my life has gotten a lot better materially, as I work in a profession I enjoy and am proud of. I have a home, a vehicle, and a prudent reserve.
However, I am not happy. I have no friends and I struggle with depression on a daily basis, to the point, most recently, in which I seriously came close to picking up a drink.
I go to meetings of Alcoholic's Anonymous ("AA") regularly and I talk to my sponsor on a daily basis but my depression symptoms only seem to get worse.
My sponsor recommended that I pray to God. But, I do not believe in God and I refuse to.
I have been through a lot in my life, and if there was a God why didn't he prevent all the trauma that I experienced?!
The fact of the matter is that I need to focus on my depression and strategically make it go away. That is why I read about depression every second I get and every other moment I get I attempt to discuss it with another person to process it.
Despite the fact that I have been trying to eradicate it for the past twenty years, it is still there and seems to be getting worse.
I've started to think about it and maybe my part is that I have not let go. I am still attempting to do things my way despite the fact that my way did not work when I was using drugs and alcohol, and has not been working during the 20 years that I have been in recovery.
Maybe I need to try this God thing and pray about it, then let it go, and for that matter take the focus off of processing what happened to me in life. It is over and it is the past.
I need to find a way to change my perspective and recognize how that trauma made me the person I am today, at least in respect to the good parts and the positive character traits, like diligence, strength, etc. If I look at it that way I become grateful.
Also, maybe I should actually do all the twelve steps. Actually, I have not even done a 4th step.
Whatever that is out there, help me to believe in you. Help me please!
I can't do it on my own anymore. My way is getting me no where. Deliver me from my depression, not to mention my incessant, obsessive focus on it, that is probably contributing to it getting worse.
Help me to be willing!
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