January 30, 2013
Yesterday I was having a day that was just beyond, or at least I perceived it that way. Actually, to be honest, the day began particularly well I thought. When I left for a mid morning appointment I was in a particularly good mood, excitement and anticipation was abound.
However, for much of the majority of the remainder of the morning and afternoon I felt off, as if I nothing was quite right. I call these types of days my super-alcoholic days.
As it turned out, I did not have an appointment yesterday. I was too far ahead. In fact, my appointment is Thursday…..next week Thursday!
In any regard, since I was out, I decided that I would take the opportunity to work at a super cute cafe, as I did have my beloved MacBook Air with me. Sitting comfortably, I just could not focus so well. As a matter of fact, I saw at least a handful of fellow alcoholics, most of whom stopped by to say hello.
Not that I am anti-social, but I just was not in the mood to participate in small talk…..after all, I had things to do.
Finally, I was in the zone, getting work done, and a total stranger decided to sit next to me and strike up a conversation. I was just not very interested, particularly since he was not my type. I thought to myself, "my God, can't these people see that I am working, that I have things to do."
Suddenly, I realized my stomach was making strange noises, and I was feeling a little fatigued. I thought "OMG, stomach can't you tell that I have to get this work done?! I am on a schedule and I have no time for fluffy things like food. Besides, I had kale for breakfast about 6 hours earlier, and I was currently drinking a huge iced tea, with Equal, no less.
I must plow through I thought; Before I know it, I dropped a file of papers on the floor, and then as I got up to go to the restroom I nearly slipped and hit my perfectly proportioned head.
I prayed, God help me. Help me to overcome this uneasiness and subtle anxiety.
The idea came to go and get some lunch; after fighting the thought that I have no time, I went and had the most amazing salad, with miso soup at this quaint Japanese boutique restaurant. Half way through the salad I felt nearly 100% better, and by the end, I was smiling, refreshed and in an amazing mood.
My part consisted of the fact that I was not taking the moment to be in the moment and to take care of myself. I was maintaining my schedule at the expense of myself. Speaking to people, in most cases, matters, I love it, and not just when it is convenient or when I want something.
Also, eating regularly, and taking a five minute break or so, matters as well. The world does not stop simply because I have work to do and because the bar examination is less than a month a way. I am so used to working straight through, with no exception…..that is not normal. I remind myself, "slow and steady DeShawn….slow down Type A."
As well, alcoholism does not go away because I have a lot on my plate. In fact, to be honest, alcoholism potentially flares up more when I have a lot on my plate.
Thus, for me it is not appropriate to disregard going to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous ("AA"), simply because I perceive that I have no time. Yesterday I realized that I had not been to an AA meeting in two weeks…….unacceptable!!
I have to keep in my mind that my thinking is a bit off, somewhat askew due to all those prescription pills I once consumed.
With that said, I capped the workday off with an AA meeting.
To be honest, when I took the time to stop and eat, breath, speak, and even attended an evening AA meeting, when I did my end of the day accounting I realized that not only did I get all my work done, I completed more studying than I have done on days when I did nothing but study. As well, I was in bed before 10:30 pm and I slept so well. Talk about gratitude.
God, help me to stop and smell the proverbial roses, to breathe and practice self compassion, not to mention be a person among persons (within reason :)
"If all of the people in all of the world could turn their worries into laughter, then all of the people in all of the world would live happily ever after."
I Love You All, for the most part :)
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